NOT FOR EVERYONE!

My friend that sent me the email about stolen body parts has sent another one. I have worked hard to clean it up, so you too can get a good laugh. If you have never started a new work out program or added another element to your workout routine, don't even bother reading. You will not understand! For those of us who have added a step class, weight training, yoga, and the list goes on, we all will not only get it, but I LAUGHED out loud! Only if you have had a day when you thought EVERY square inch of my body hurts and I did it to my self, will you get the full meaning! ENJOY!

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 48 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: > > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing green eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Before long I assume I'll resemble Belinda. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: > > I drank a whole pot of coffee and I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop, so I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why IN THE WORLD would anyone invent a machine to simulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other JUNK too.

THURSDAY: > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny FREAK to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: > > I hate that WITCH Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little tr@mp. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the DARN barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little TWIT) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.