Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Just as people are certainly all different---I have found tears to be of varying types.

Tears of Anger---You are so angry--you are trembling---your words come in short bursts--your tears flow in a flood---as the anger spills from you inner most being.

Tears of Anguish--Screwed up face--red---gasping--tears falling like a Spring Storm---but released with great difficulty--for every muscle is retracted into a dam trying to hold them back--and still they spill--NO POUR over the dam.

Tears of Mourning--the silent shaking of the entire body---they are pulled from the depths of your very soul---loss of someone or something to never be regained.

Tears of Happiness---they come quite unexpected---after a birth-a marriage--a sweet celebration--the best kind of tears.

Tears from Your Soul---they appear from within--with no warning--they roll down your cheek--with no sound--they leave deep furrows in your heart---they pour silently --soundless from deep within---almost as if part of your heart as been turned to tears and is leaving to never heal.

Today--the tears were from my soul.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


I've been in my house since mid-August. I finally slowed down enough to take a bath in my HUGE jacuzzi tub. The little boys had already tried it out several times--but I am usually in such a hurry that I jump in and out of the shower.

SO I took the time---set the stage--dumped in the bubble bath---and AFTER the correct amount of water for entry was in the tub--I settled down for a wonderful soak! It was GLORIOUS!!!

THEN I had the wonderful idea to turn on the jets! AHHHHH!

Bubble Bath + Hot Water + Air Jets ===== HUGE BUBBLES

Before I knew it I was drowning in bubbles---up to my eyeballs-


It took 2 days for the bubbles to completely disappear from the tub--of course that was after I had scraped them off every surface in the bathroom....

NEXT TIME---I have plans for more bubbles---candles---perhaps a little less air jetting!

Monday, February 27, 2012


While in Austin this weekend, I observed UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL--the beauty and the other side of Nature. As SIL Laurie says, "If you watch nature long enough, sooner or later it will turn ugly!" Reminds me of mankind!

I actually saw the "ugly" first---we were sitting in the yard--enjoying a beautiful-but chilly day with skies SO BLUE---that they reviled if not surpassed the deep blue of the Caribbean Sea! From my back--I heard the rushing of wind--deep but dark flutter of the beating of the wind. All at once----from behind me--I feel the rush of the wind and the shrill of the cry of a hawk in pursuit of a beautiful songbird--right on the wing tip of a song bird he intended for his next meal.
He flew inches above our heads-and feathers rained down as the food chain became strikingly real!

Not long after that--ALL of a sudden--I feel the wind rush again--BUT this time it is a beautiful road runner--with his black and white pinstripe suit and his red breast bursting in flame--he stopped so close I could almost touch him---stood---looked at us as if to say "May I join you?" Stood staring--he at us and we at him--and then off again.


Sunday, February 26, 2012


I have a woman in my life that has always been---One that I look up to---wish I were like---was the bright and shining start that I SO wanted to be.

My Aunt-Molly-has always been that "Star in the West" as it be--that I thought was beautiful--strong---sweet--PERFECT in every way!

My Mother's Mother died when she was two and Granddaddy remarried a few years later. Momma's brother, Bruce came along when Momma was 10 and Molly came along when Momma was 20--married and gone. One of my "First" memories of Molly was as a little girl---she was dating her soon to be husband-Bob and he had either brought her home (my memory) or was picking her up for a date. I remember him standing at the door and her standing in the door---a BEAUTIFUL shilloutte!

She married young and started her journey as the wife of a student at UT?--I think! Bob got an engineering degree--they had 4 children---and somewhere along the way moved to Alaska.
My memories of Grandmother talking about Molly include her roofing her house with the help of their oldest son, Bill--after the "Big Alaska Earthquake". She lived in Alaska, raised her children in Alaska---FAR away from home and family a LONG time before it was "Cool" to live in Alaska. She lived a life filled with adventure! Bob did really well--they finally retired and moved back to TX.

Why am I talking about her today? I called her on the way home from Austin--wanted to stop by for a visit. Just hearing her voice was a breath of fresh air---LOVE HER!

She moved to Alaska---WITHOUT the benefit of an army of servants---IN MY MIND---she makes the "Pioneer Woman" of wealth and fame on today "Blog o sphere" look like a Pansy. Look in the dictionary---under Pioneer Woman---you should find Molly's STILL Beautiful Picture!

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Here's what I think we should all do--take a deep breath---think about God's love for us--and love others as He loves us.

Yes--I was a little put off that someone did not understand what I am trying to walk through---BUT everyone has their right to opinion and I respect that right. I am not offended---because unless you really know me you would not understand. I am touched by MANY who have jumped to my defense and looking at the list--most know exactly where I am. Not everyone who reads this blog--agrees or understands--and that's OK.

There are people out there who do not love me---there are people out there who do not like me--there are people that don't like the way I look--what I say--or what I stand for. I am not offended--they have that right AND when I put myself out on a public blog--I open myself up to criticism. That's OK! Camille withdrew her blog from public view--because of negative comments. I understand--she has two babies to protect. My plan is to take what is said--positive or negative---chew on it---use it or lose it--but always consider it a difference in opinions.

I did not intend to start a fire storm---sorry for that---I do say---read me or not---this is mostly about trying to just keep moving forward. Writing is healing--more than talking--I am journaling---only you are getting to read my journal in a open forum.

SO---I have been extended FAR more grace from God than I could ever begin to extend--so even though I am hurting---I don't hate ANYONE----nor am I mad--really not even disgruntled---I have made the choice to extend grace to even those that have hurt me the most and any commenter on my blog is WAY down the ladder in what is causing me pain.

My sweet friend Barbara, who is the best "Truth Teller" in my life texted me today with this message-

"Your honesty threatens our self-deceit and dependence on the fantasy of painfree living."

There is NOTHING more I love than "La-La Land"--my favorite books and movies are all about it. The sad truth is that this world is not "La-La Land"---because of the fall of man-it is full of pain for most of us at some point in our lives. THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE & REDEMPTION--His love is what keeps me marching forward.

Just as a little side note---Mike doesn't need a chill pill--I tried them---they don't chill you they just dull you! He's a GREAT friend for a LONG time--he's just being protective. Thanks, Mike!


Comment Posted Last Night---

"After reading you heart felt thoughts for what seems like weeks now, I have come to the opinion that you need to move on. I remind you it is just an opinion. However after you have grieved, vented, cried and vented more and shook your fist in God's face, it does seem that you would move on. All who read you have sympathy and many of us have empathy but for yourself, your friends and your family, drop this line of blogging and move to the things you once blogged about. Even in your pain, surely there are still some good and precious things in your life.. Quick sand: the more you fight it the more it sucks you down.... relax,
have faith, we all love you."

Someone is not happy with the tone of my blogs--I am sorry and I am thankful for your reading-and good wishes. Here is the bottom line---no one pays me to post my blog---it is merely what is going on in my life. I am venting---I am trying to journal my way through this path- it is what I am thinking about and what is going on in my life. I am sorry you are tired of reading about it---but please just don't read it if you are tired of it.

After 38 years of marriage--it is NOT that easy to be happy go lucky--all is fun--this life is great at the moment. As the one counselor told me the one time I went to see her, after addressing why am I not over this yet???---Why did you expect to get over this in a few short months when it is most of your life that you are leaving behind? I've told my daughter--"I am sick of thinking about it and sick of talking about it, but it never leaves my mind if I am not busy at work."

There will come a time---for sure--that the old Lora will start showing up again--in fact I believe she showed up this week as I laughed about all the suggestions I have had. For now--the old Lora is still here--lurking under the surface--but you have to be with me 24/7 to catch those glimpses and she does not come out in my writing very often. SO it's your decision--you are in control of your computer---read or not--have patience with me-or turn away--YOU are in control of what you read--just as you told me I was in control of my life and just move on.

Friday, February 24, 2012


I tend to have a slightly--only slightly heavy foot. NEVER over the top! I am usually very cautious going through small towns of speed traps. Today coming West---I let my lack of patience get the best of me. Little old ladies--driving 25 tend to get on my last nerve--especially after 20 miles or so- I pulled around my little old lady today===stomped down on the accelerator to get by===only to find a radar pointed directly at me===GOT ME!!!

64 in a 50

The first ticket in 48 years of licensed driving---as Greg T. says "ROAD TAX!"

Thursday, February 23, 2012


I had a sweet visit with my MIL today at the NH. She was sad--and so was I.

She told me that she dreams about Pappaw and that she still cannot believe he is gone. She told me she thought she was foolish to feel that way. I do not think she is foolish---after a lifetime of loving someone--when they leave you---it is not real--you cannot accept it. She told me that her life had been always hard. I then reminded her of the sweet parts of her life--the birth of her children--which we talked about for some time---the birth of the grands---and now the birth of the great grands. I reminded her these were all blessings. We smiled and remembered sweet and good times in her life.

I too dream about the partner I once had---my dreams though are usually disturbing and leave me sad and longing. I hope I can get to the point of what I asked her to do---to dwell on the MANY blessings of my life. To think about what a wonderful life I had for most of my years--yes there were some that were hard-but the majority are blessed with raising children---even though at the time it seemed a struggle--I now realize those were the best years. What a blessing my children and grands are!

We cried together for what has been and what will never be again---it was sweet and still painful. She told me she didn't understand and I told her I tried everything I could think of--but life is just hard at times.

I reminded her--that my love for her would never change--no matter what.

This is not what God intended--but it is what it is---I am trying to think about the blessing He has bestowed and try to get past the sorrow. Heaven looks beter and better---

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


I have MANY good and sweet friends--friends that love me and are concerned for me--in a desire to help me--many have come up with some interesting ideas of how to improve my life--

Get a dog---NO GET TWO DOGS (Double the pleasure? or Double the trouble?)

Move to another city---I suspect trying to get rid of me

Take a mission trip---see others suffering---help them

Take a LONG TERM mission trip----Trying to get rid of me for a long period of time while I help the hungry children

Take on more work---HOW many hours are there in a day?

Go on a vacation--no one has offered to go along nor come up with the necessary $s

Start some new projects--YES--I don't have enough to do

Buy a kayak---go kayaking

Run another race---currently running around 3 miles max a week

Bicycle--you did see in the paper another cyclist was run over today?

Do a triathlon--Swim like a rock

Walk across America--DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR THAT IS????

Don't move--you cannot outrun your grief

Drop everything and just walk through the pain--sounds like fun!


the latest--


I love you all too and I like hearing your ideas---just don't get upset if I don't jump right on it.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


If you think you are sick and tired of hearing about the wreck of a life I am living, you should try living it!!! I am sick and tired of talking about it, thinking about it EVERY minute I am not working, and living it!!

There are NO answers---and it is NOT getting better---I am just still putting one foot in front of the other and trying to exist. YES--I love my children and grands DEARLY---YES I am blessed to have them--YES--in comparison to most of the world my life is golden--

BUT bottom line--my heart is broken--I am still in tears --a lot---I am Sad beyond words--and I scream very often---WHERE ARE YOU GOD???

Sorry--needed to vent-

Monday, February 20, 2012


It was very difficult to walk into church alone---greet or pass out bulletins alone---SO I changed jobs this year. Our sweet Children's Minister called and asked would I be in the Baby Nursery this year---you know---HOLD THEM AND CUDDLE THEM AND ROCK THEM Nursery. I thought this may be JUST what I need to do. SO--I agreed. Starting the first Sunday In September--I went to the Baby Nursery. WELL it seems they had an overflow in the Toddler Nursery. OVER-WHELMED were the LONG time teachers. So when the ladies in the BABY NURSERY were asked would someone go help out---OF COURSE---I said Yes.

Here I am 7 months later STILL in the toddler room. NOW I must say--I love those sweet toddlers. We pat the Bible--and tell the same 4 Bible stories over and over so they can "Get It"--but somehow I have become the "Toddler Whisperer". I have one little sweet toddler that cried the first day he walked in---I distracted him, held him, and he settled down. The only problem is that he has latched on to me like a baby possum in his Momma's pouch. He's fine as long as he has one hand on me--or in my lap--or on my hip.

This works fine until we have another----I am not too happy come in the door and I become the "Toddler Whisperer" again for them. I guess I'm the only one in the group of teachers that looks like a Grandma--I always end up with the crying toddler. Works out OK---until I have one on each hip. It can get a little crowded.

One thing about it---it has been a good reminder of just WHAT is wrong with my aching hips---carrying my big babies around all those years. THEY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!!

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I've had a couple of conversations recently that started me thinking, and then this AM the message taken from the 6th chapter of Galatians--confirmed the need to post about this topic. I am always over-whelmed to see how God answers my prayers and questions. Sometimes--it is a direct answer--middle of the night kind of thing and other times--such as today-he uses someone else to point me to truth.

The conversations centered around marriage---how hard it it at times to be married--what a tough job marriage is---how unhappy some are in their marriages. Here is what I am going to tell you---God hates divorce---and for good reason---it leads to destruction.

It destroys the family---yes-we are still all family--but not a family together. Everything changes and it will never be the same. The family unit has been divided---that is the bottom line. You can just read between the lines---think about what it is like.

It destroys a part of your heart. Just as an heart attack kills part of the heart muscle--kills--as in destroys permanently. The heart will never be the same and will never function at the same level again. There are permanent scars--holes that never heal.

I will end by saying that just as we die to self-to follow Christ, so must we die to self and put the other first--always--to have a lasting marriage.

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap destruction." Galatians 6:6-8

Saturday, February 18, 2012


I watched a great movie today---"Seven Days in Utopia"

It's NOT about golf--as they prove to you in the last scene---it's about what is really important in life--

I'll leave you with these two quotes:

"It was painful to watch you, Son."

"Then you should try living it."

Friday, February 17, 2012


There has been a room size area rug sitting in my garage since OCTOBER! I FINALLY decided today---I was through waiting for help---I would put it down myself.

FIRST--you have to get the dining table and chairs out of the dining room---the chairs were a piece of cake---the table was ANOTHER story---finally managed to slide it on coasters out of the way.

Then I brought in the griper pad---Not too bad---light--easy to maneuver--worst thing was getting it unfolded from a 8" x 12" to a 10' x 13'---it's sticky--it grips--therefore it sticks together and you have to pry it apart--square by square by square.

THEN---I get to bring the rug into the house --NOW it is rolled up the LONG WAY--I have to get in the middle--get it on my shoulder--get it in the door and around 2 tight corners. Then you get to cut the plastic and unwind it-----SO FUN---you have to be sure you have it placed where you can just unroll it on the pad---SILLY ME---I started on the wrong end!

After lots of tugging---pulling---swearing OOPS!---I finally have it in place.

Put the chairs back--easy---Now slide the table---WAIT---the sliders don't slide on the rug---SO man (OR STRONG WOMAN) handle it into place.


Thursday, February 16, 2012


Let me start by saying--I probably will not at this moment but-

Today for the first time in almost 11 months of being alone---I am seriously considering throwing in the towel.

Ruston is a small town---not big enough for anyone to truly be "incognito"-so whatever you are doing out there---it gets around--and makes the round---and always makes it way back . I am tired of licking my wound--in fact--the wound has had salt rubbed in it SO MANY times-that I am sick from the taste of the salt--As salt will do-it has depleted me and I am wasted.

My work has slowed down until starting tomorrow I only have a couple of hours of early morning work a day. Work has been my life saver--when I work I do not think of anything-but work. SO I am faced with long days of plenty of time to think---and think--and think. I have been amazed at how God has continually provided work--until now---and for some reason-He has slowed the stream.

I am lonesome from the time I get home until I go to work the next day---almost everyday. Sometimes there is a respite--but not often. The hours drag on--so I find myself sleeping as much as I possibly can--by taking my magic pills.

SO--today-If I had a place to live and a way to magically sell my house and get there--I would leave the town I have called home for 46 years and try to start over--in a place free from salt and pain. Can't believe I am where I am today--can't believe I can't seem to get any better-but I am what I am-licking my wound which is full of salt this week.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


What I need to get past my current state of S L O T H------

is to get myself back to exercising. I just CANNOT seem to get motivated!

So perhaps what I need is a personal trainer. Someone to motivate me--push me--make me WANT to work out. Now you also have the added incentive---you are PAYING this person--HARD EARNED $s--that could be used for other needs in life--like potato chips & candy bars. If I give them that money--they need to do somehting for me---I do NOT believe in something for nothing--nor do I believe in the "Gospel of Prosperity" (Another Day for that Topic)

SO--What am I looking for in a personal trainer? Well personally I think a nice looking - Young- Well Built- Easy on the Eye--

YES--I believe that would motivate me!

Monday, February 13, 2012


I've been rolling around in my old head lately--getting a dog. NOW I HAVE NOT MADE ANY DECISION. I told Sweet Gabe that I was thinking about it--and he IMMEDIATELY got on the jungle drums to his sibs--and the next time I talk to them---OH YOU'RE GETTING A DOG! WELL MAYBE - JUST MAYBE

I am lonesome---dogs are great companions! BUT they can be destructive---it would be here ALL day long by itself---I have NO yard---NO fence in what I do have---DO NOT think my neighbors would appreciate the barking since they are RIGHT on top of me.

ALSO---I spent WAY more on the Vet than I EVER did at the pediatrician! They are EXPENSIVE!

I want to pick up whenever I can and go see the grands--that means boarding---OR dragging them along.

BUT they are good company---and an alarm system---NOT that I EVER worry---I have my trusty G U N----loaded and ready----One of the things that DOES NOT KEEP ME UP---is fear---well of anyone harming me anyway!

So I start looking at breeds that might be desirable--considering ALL the above!

My friend Sonja--is somewhat of a DOG snob---she gets something like


I am more of a Lab person (WAY TOO BIG)

Then there are friends Debbie & Jim--who have a Bishon (SP?)---Sophie is more feminine than I am--I would be SLIGHTLY intimidated.

I like beagles---

THEY ARE HUNTING DOGS--would be miserable here.

Then there is Debbie & Bill---some other kind of fru-fru dog---that she can't leave alone for long at a time!


I looked on the local 4Paws site---dogs are all too big---

SO--I'm back to no dog---don't suggest a cat--HIGHLY allergic---cannot pet them--even though I do like them

THEN there is son Scott-who has a GREAT PYRENNES



Mutt and Jeff--living together in not always harmony!

Saturday, February 11, 2012


I have been watching Valentine's movies today. I am VERY near writing my Great American Romance Novel---I've got it all figured out---Sweet romance--holding hands--passionate kisses--the whole nine yards---



They grow old together and fade into the sunset with each other! That's the MOST IMPORTANT PART!

Friday, February 10, 2012


One of the lessons that I have had to learn being alone--is there is no one to take care of you or speak up for you---but yourself--SO

I made a business deal and I didn't get the better end of the stick---BUT I have learned---SO I spoke up and Part B of this business deal- is a better deal.

Lesson Learned---

NEXT TIME---don't take a contract price---until you are SURE of what is involved!

The good thing--I have a grin on my face over being on the short end---

LIVE AND LEARN! As long as you learn---it's all OK!

Thursday, February 9, 2012


Today is our 39th Wedding Anniversary--

When I turned the TV on it was a movie about the birth of a baby--God reminded of the miracle of the birth of our children and that nothing can ever take that joy and blessing from me.

Monday, February 6, 2012


This week I am working 1/2 a day---WHOOPPPPEEE! I can catch up on all of my things that are behind at the house. I have a couple of jobs that I am spending a little time on at home--and I need to work on our taxes---GROAN! THEN---I had a break---told my neighbor I would help trim some trees between our houses. I called-she was ready--the sun was shining---it was pleasant--I had on my garden gloves---I trimmed trees---



Saturday, February 4, 2012


It's raining and raining here in LA--perfect excuse to not get up and run. SO I am chilling--cooking chili for a friend who had surgery AND watching cooking shows. WHAT DO YOU KNOW---that little hussy-Pioneer Woman has her own cooking show!

I used to read her blog---got sick and tired of feeling like a groupie--and after all what has she got that I don't?

Well let me give you the list of WHY I do not read her blog anymore:

1. She married a handsome cowboy-and has a love story that would rival ANY

2. Cowboy owns 1/2 of Texas--he calls it a ranch---he grows Oil Wells and a few cows and
horses on the side

3. I got sick and tired of seeing ALL her happy children-who NEVER fight--are always well mannered-serve as cow hands--do not conform to the world--but live in a little bubble where all is fair and bright.

4. She HOME SCHOOLS her children---NEVER yells at them--because they do everything that is expected--and are ALL brilliant.

5. She has a country full of women who are reading her posts-buying her cookbook--buying her love story--buying her photographs and sponsors who just cannot wait to give her another boat load of money for her next thought

6. Her dogs are all cute---well behaved--NEVER chew up the shoes-dig holes or smell like dogs.

7. She gives the perfect party/teaches her entire family/photographs every cow,dog,child, cowboy that comes in her sight/cooks perfect dishes everytime/ and rides with the herd---ALL at the same time and with NO effort.

HUMMMM---perhaps my eyes are a little more green with envy! I just do not want to hear about anyone's perfect life! Could she post ONE TIME about a bad hair-smart alec kid-grumbling husband-dish that failed????

Friday, February 3, 2012


I was re-watching a movie on the boob tube last night about a country music star---I began thinking---"How hard could it be to write the lyrics to a country song" SO here's my 10 minute effort-

It started as a dream

We were quite the team

It was us together in the big old world

He way my boy & I was his girl


He knocked me down but you picked me up

It didn't really matter that I shed a tear

They all knocked me down but you picked me up

You are the one who is faithfully here

We rolled along and then he found You

I liked what he had and wanted it too

It was You-only You that was our hope

All Because of You we could finally cope

Repeat Chorus

The years passed by and he looked away

I found myself begging him please to stay

Then he was gone and I was left alone

For all the wrong reasons, he was gone

Repeat Chorus

Now I am left with no one near

It's only me and the future I fear

Through it all You've always been here

You are the one that will always be near.

Repeat Chorus

NOW--give me a break-it's a 10 minute effort on a scrap of paper, BUT I'm not holding my breath waiting for Nashville to call.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


Today is the day that I change my sheets every week. Momma taught me a LONG time ago that you change your sheets every week. That seemed like a good rule.

As I was changing those sheets-this morning--it occurred to me that I only sleep on 1/2 of those sheets and the other half--MUST be clean---I am a pretty still sleeper-and when awake-tend to stare at the ceiling a lot---you know--"Hello God--You Awake TOO". ANYWAY- I began thinking why not just sleep on the clean half of the sheets the second week and not wear out the sheets washing them?

BUT--I have always slept on the same side of the bed--I have only one bedside table--that side is nearest the door--on and on. THEN I came up with this brilliant thought--I will just turn the sheets inside out and then I will be sleeping on the clean side. WAIT--I've just changed the sheets AGAIN---DARN!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Another job has ended---I am closing down another--and started a return engagement with yet another client. QUITE stimulating! All are extremely different--all have their own group of complex problems--Keeps the old brain working---I LOVE IT!

As of today--I am only working 3-4 hours a day---expect that to change soon--God is faithfully providing. Meanwhile--I can work on my own taxes--- and PERHAPS get my life straightened out a little.

The BEST THING about all these clients and different venues---well it's certainly not the frantic dashes across town trying to get to the next appointment/meeting/job-with LOADS of NUTS--who can't drive on the street---It's the WONDERFUL people I am meeting. Richly diverse---stretching at times---but ALWAYS bringing me new friends from all walks and in all professions.
HEY---I had an up-close and personal meeting with the Louisiana Bishop of the Episcopal Church---and--I count him and all the rest-a Blessing --a rich reward--for the hard work!