Saturday, March 31, 2012



I'm not there yet---sometimes I think I am better---but this weekend has been HARD!

Sooner or later---we all end up alone--I think the secret may be figuring out just "Who you are". I've never been truly alone until the last year. I have always had a Mother--Roommate--Husband--Child--someone with me for 63 years. I am now truly alone. It has not been easy.

I have spent most of my life trying to please and be the person someone else wanted me to be. There is no one now that has any expectations of me---no one to be critical-no one to point out what's wrong with my dress, my speech, my accomplishments--the short comings-in general of who I am. So now after a lifetime--I need to determine just who I am and analyze how I feel about that person.

The week days have not been really too hard---as long as I am busy with work. It's the weekends that are REALLY hard--especially Friday's for some reason. I have friends--but normally unless I initiate being with another--I am alone. I do have friends that sometimes ask--but for the most part I am in charge of being with someone else.

This weekend--I have spent a lot of time once again asking WHY would I want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me? Why would I cry when I realize once again--I am not wanted? What is wrong with me? Except this or not---I DO NOT WANT TO BE WALLOWING IN THIS! I am sick of it! After 38 years of marriage and another year of seperation--WHY can't I move on when I have been so soundly rejected?

SO---there is NO good answer to becoming accustomed to being alone---I am not accustomed---BUT I AM begging God to help me move forward---to remind me of his faithful unlimited love for me--to make His love all the love that I need. HE is the answer! of that I am sure.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love your blogs. That so often touch me right where I am. Yes, my weekends are lonely - I'll call you for a dinner at Raw. I would love to be your Friday or Saturday night date. I can't even work in my yard without wishing for somewhere back there with me... prodding me on. And... no we do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be the loyal, faithful partner that we deserve. This I know is true! God has a perfect plan for us. Timing is the tricky part for me. So for now, lets celebrate that our thermostat can be changed hourly if necessary - even from "heat" to "cool"... we are in total control of the contents of our refrigerator. I bought a gold lamp, with a red shade, with a burgundy boa wrapped around it. Lauren asked why did you buy that? I felt power in my answer... "because I can". Also, I can be on my blogs at 1:00 am, and no one is yelling to turn out the light. There's many things worse than being alone. Let's go to dinner and I'll share some of them with you. I love you, Renee