Well---I've been alone for a year now---a year of first's. I have survived---I have not bought a convertible--I have not found a cliff--I am still here. I have vacillated between the 5 stages of grief like a balloon caught on a spinning fan---never knowing which way I would be thrown the next round.
I have cried a river of tears----believed I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream--or that he would change his mind--ranted and raved at God---tried to pray it all back to normal--thought I would be better in Heaven---and now--today---"It is what it is"----and "I am who I am".
There are still occasional tears---sometimes a burst of anger--but after a year of "Doing the next right thing"---I am doing better. I have gained back 15 of the 20+ pounds I lost. I gained 10 and then started exercising and gained 5 more in 2 weeks. Exercise always does that to me--at this time-that's a good thing. Camille tells me I no longer look frail. I am back running my 5 miles--have to begin other work outs--but I am back on the trail.
I have prayed and prayed and prayed----camped out in Psalms----still camping there. I have purposefully done things that would keep me busy---and not in the cave I LOVE to crawl into. I went back to work--that's been a "life saver"---don't think I would have made it otherwise. God faithfully provided jobs. I have enjoyed working and the stimulation that keeps my brain going.
I changed my pattern at church--so it wouldn't be so hard to be by myself---for some reason--walking into church alone is really tough. I "Wrestle the toddlers" during the service we attended for years---and go to late worship--across town at the other campus. I have lunch with friends every Sunday---a rotating group---but always fun.
My house is slowly becoming my home. I have spent LOTs of time with the kids and grands--they have all been super---and I am blessed. The grands especially---are the sparkle in my eye.
I still have some hurdles to cross--but have more confidence that I will get over them. There are still some firsts---but the hardest are behind me. I am still hurt--alone and abandoned--betrayed---but I have decided I am just ahead of the curve. Most women end up alone at some point in time---as we still outlive the men-but the gap is closing. I am just 10 years or so ahead of my peers in crossing over to the life of a single. I am still lonely---a lot---especially on the weekends and evenings--but I now must find things to fill those hours--and I will.
My friends have been my life lines. Sweet Barbara has listened to me for hour upon hour and always given Godly advice and counsel---My Small Group has cried with me---prayed with me---supported me--helped me move-painted my house---been another family. AND then there are my "Running Buddies"---if you want to know why you should start running---it's because there is a very special bond formed when you run mile upon mile with others. I can't explain it---I just can tell you it's a fact. A HOST of other friends and my sweet family---James and Conville have been a reason to go on.
SO after a year---I'm still here---I am better--I am still in the desert---BUT God has provided oasis after oasis---answers to questions and prayers that I never expected. He has faithfully loved me---and never left me---HE loves me beyond my wildest imagination.
HOW BLESSED CAN ONE PERSON BE----He is providing ALL I need---even His sleeve to wipe my tears. I am thankful He has gotten me to this point--and look forward to the continued journey of healing--until I am totally whole and perfect--in His arms.