Let me start by saying--I probably will not at this moment but-
Today for the first time in almost 11 months of being alone---I am seriously considering throwing in the towel.
Ruston is a small town---not big enough for anyone to truly be "incognito"-so whatever you are doing out there---it gets around--and makes the round---and always makes it way back . I am tired of licking my wound--in fact--the wound has had salt rubbed in it SO MANY times-that I am sick from the taste of the salt--As salt will do-it has depleted me and I am wasted.
My work has slowed down until starting tomorrow I only have a couple of hours of early morning work a day. Work has been my life saver--when I work I do not think of anything-but work. SO I am faced with long days of plenty of time to think---and think--and think. I have been amazed at how God has continually provided work--until now---and for some reason-He has slowed the stream.
I am lonesome from the time I get home until I go to work the next day---almost everyday. Sometimes there is a respite--but not often. The hours drag on--so I find myself sleeping as much as I possibly can--by taking my magic pills.
SO--today-If I had a place to live and a way to magically sell my house and get there--I would leave the town I have called home for 46 years and try to start over--in a place free from salt and pain. Can't believe I am where I am today--can't believe I can't seem to get any better-but I am what I am-licking my wound which is full of salt this week.
4 comments:
I understand your thinking-- a opportunity for us to move came it a perfect time when salt could have easily started to pour in old wounds. And while the move is a fresh start, certain problems will follow and only the landscape will be different.
I hate to see you in such pain and I truly want for you to be happy--
I was reading James 1 last night and something jumped out at me as a memory of the past reared its ugly head--
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:1-3
Familiar verse yes but it's truth is so profound! Even at the darkest moments, multiple times being there, something is being taught to us by Him! You are loved and prayed for! Thank you for always being willing to share your story.
I totally understand your wanting to move. After 7 years, I still have these feelings daily, and I still contemplate them HOURLY. If you figure it out, please let me know
moving is always an option . . . but have you heard the saying "wherever you go, there you are" ? you will still be you - and you will still have your personality, your memories, your life, your wounds . . . just a thought, but maybe you need to let yourself "off the hook" and allow healing to come at His pace and in His way.
much much much love to you, g
Wish I knew the words to say that could take your pain away forever. You must keep on trusting God in these dark times until the light returns! II Thes.3:3 But the Lord is faithful, He will strengthen and protect you... Praying for you!
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