I am thinking about the dream I had last night---LONG and DETAILED---about an Aunt & Uncle's home that I dearly loved during those innocent years of childhood. I OFTEN dream about their home---MUCH more than I dream about the home I grew up in. I have come to the conclusion it is because I SO LOVED that house---which has since burned all the way down-- and considered it magical.
Uncle Bryant was Daddy's only brother and my brother was named after him, Noel Bryant. Daddy and Uncle Bryant were not speaking at the time of Daddy's death. How sad! And over some business deal--truly sad. Uncle Bryant's wife, Aunt Mattie Maude, was QUITE the personality. When I woke up--I began thinking about what a great book her life would be. It, of course, would have to be fiction-based upon fact---because I do not know all the facts--but what a life.
She did not end well---this sets me to thinking about how to end well. When I have taken that last breath, what will people say? I would not want anyone to say, "Poor Thing"---I would not want anyone to remember the last 4 years of my life. I would want them to say---"She lived life to the fullest". SO the question is how do I make that turn---how do I get back on track? Going to think about that one.
Back to the dreams----I do not dream about anything in the last 45 years---most of my dreams are about the first 18 years of my life--SO interesting---perhaps a happier more innocent time? Last night I was helping to pack up my Aunt's house---think that has something to do with closure. The first 10 years of my life were sweet and innocent---truly happy---then Daddy became an alcoholic and the next 4 were bad--really bad. Daddy finally turned the corner and stopped drinking had gone back to work and was doing good---he was diagnosed with Lung Cancer the week after Christmas when I had just turned 14---he died 2 months later. SO--that has shaped who I am and the choices I have made. It is so interesting that I go back and dream of this time in life---but Daddy is never in my dreams---perhaps an abandonment issue.
SO MUCH FOR PSYCHO-BABBLE----I am who I am and It is what it is----just need to finish well--truly want to do that!