QUESTION 3---NO GOOD ANSWER

"HOW DO YOU GET OVER THE SHOCK OF BEING ALONE?"

I'm not there yet---sometimes I think I am better---but this weekend has been HARD!

Sooner or later---we all end up alone--I think the secret may be figuring out just "Who you are". I've never been truly alone until the last year. I have always had a Mother--Roommate--Husband--Child--someone with me for 63 years. I am now truly alone. It has not been easy.

I have spent most of my life trying to please and be the person someone else wanted me to be. There is no one now that has any expectations of me---no one to be critical-no one to point out what's wrong with my dress, my speech, my accomplishments--the short comings-in general of who I am. So now after a lifetime--I need to determine just who I am and analyze how I feel about that person.

The week days have not been really too hard---as long as I am busy with work. It's the weekends that are REALLY hard--especially Friday's for some reason. I have friends--but normally unless I initiate being with another--I am alone. I do have friends that sometimes ask--but for the most part I am in charge of being with someone else.

This weekend--I have spent a lot of time once again asking WHY would I want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me? Why would I cry when I realize once again--I am not wanted? What is wrong with me? Except this or not---I DO NOT WANT TO BE WALLOWING IN THIS! I am sick of it! After 38 years of marriage and another year of seperation--WHY can't I move on when I have been so soundly rejected?

SO---there is NO good answer to becoming accustomed to being alone---I am not accustomed---BUT I AM begging God to help me move forward---to remind me of his faithful unlimited love for me--to make His love all the love that I need. HE is the answer! of that I am sure.

HAVE YOU NOTICED MY FLAT NOSE?

Spring is here---I am thinking I am better--I'm going to make it -- I have begun to purposefully avoid things that ALWAYS send me into a tailspin---I am getting better and better at it---I think I can maybe see the light--AND THEN WHAM

from someone who is totally innocent---has no idea---what they are doing to me---I get a news flash that sent me into a tailspin and in tears ONCE AGAIN-----I go into a nosedive--straight to the bottom...

This is getting really old--even for me--regroup--try again to refocus--

SIDE NOTE TO ANNOYMOUS

I do not know you---you really do not know me---we don't know anyone in common---so create a new email account---name it Annoymous----just think our talk would be better in a more intimate setting. I do have things to share---as I told a friend today---you can mull it over and do what you need to with it. God does not make mistakes---he crosses our paths for a purpose!

AT LEAST LOOK THE PART

I did get some good advice at one point---I was told it was important to "Look the part". You know wear the right dress---have the right toys---etc etc. I could never understand WHY I would spend a lot of $s on clothes to sweat in while running at 5 AM--WHO COULD SEE---WHO CARED--WHO KNEW? So I always wore my oldies but goodies---you know they are clothes you are sweating in!

As I have told you---I have picked up my exercise. Well I am still wearing the same old clothes that I have run in FOREVER--but at 5:15 when our run starts are you out there looking at us?

NO I think not---SO I am concentrating on the "Look" for biking. NOW I bought a "Used-but New to Me" bicycle------but I just can NOT wrap my head around spending thousands---YES I said thousands--for a really good bicycle. SO I CAN afford a good bike rack for my car--my little--great mileage car! So today--I went and had the local bike shop---install my new bike rack---AND drum roll---I am having clip pedals installed on my bicycle---this may mean---DEATH to me! SO if I get flattened into a grease spot while riding---I plan to LOOK the part.

Have you ever ridden a bicycle--the secret to survival is the padded pants---PADDING in the rear---PICTURE IT!! I am conflicted about this---but in a movement to remain "NOT CRAZY"--I am having a pair of riding pants made special for me----

ACROSS THE REAR--- PADDED
NOT AS LARGE AS APPEARS!

PS---to the reader that is needing personal advice---I think we need a more intimate conversation-email me convilles@gmail.com

I DIVERGE----

I have one more question to answer from the comment that I have been posting about--but I need to take a short informative break---

In an effort to get myself back into decent shape--I have stepped up the exercise schedule--trying to do something 5 of 7 days. NOW---I have not dared join "The Big Girls" at Sharon's Boot Camp---BUT I have my running mileage back up to 5--be it ever so slow---and I am walking some and have now added biking to the mix.

I bought a friend's used bike and it has been sitting in my garage for some time---Sunday they finally wrangled me into riding with the group. INTIMIDATING!!! Babs was very gracious and held back to ride with me---the rest of the group were out of sight before I got going good.

I rode 12 miles the first time out---it wasn't bad going out---but I got quite the workout riding back into the wind and up the hills we had gone down riding out. When I finally dismounted----I was in GREAT PAIN----I needed to soak in a tub of ice water! Let's just say---it's sort of like riding a horse--0r--just insert whatever you have not used in a LONG time---PAINFUL!!!!!

After a couple of days---the soreness was wearing off---so I jumped back on that "Big Boy" again and rode over 17 today with Sandra--who was kind enough to hold back and ride with me---AFTER a 5 mile walk and her swimming class. WHERE ARE THOSE ICE CUBES!!!!

QUESTION # 2--A HUM DINGER!

"Do we develop a new life with a new significant other?"

WELL---this is highly dependent upon -You---who you are---what you are--where you are. I will start out with just telling you where I am:

No--I will be alone for the remainder of my days. To begin with----I am not legally divorced--that is a very personal subject---and if you would like to talk with me face to face about why--I will do that---but I will not post on a public blog Why. Let's just say---God hates divorce--I am convinced of that--he intended and desires for our marriages to stay together--I love God and intend to honor His desires.

IF---I were divorced---I actually consider myself a Biblical Widow--another subject-another day---would I pursue this--No. It's the absolute pits being alone---don't get me wrong--but think about my age--think about the limited pool to choose from and the number of single women. I am sure you are getting the picture and I have very high standards and hope you would also.

FOR YOU---what should you do----well if I were looking here is what I would be thinking about-

They MUST be a man of God---love God first---this is the beginning of a good relationship. You will not be happy and it will be hard--harder than it is normally--to keep your marriage happy and filled with joy. A man of God will look to the Scripture for his guidance---"Love your wife as Jesus loved his bride The Church." Die to self---love you spouse and put them first. That unselfish-giving love that will bind you together. If you both are doing this---then it will work.

They HAVE to be your friend---your best friend---your partner. The physical part of marriage is wonderful---I truly deeply miss being touched---BUT you cannot stay in the bed 24/7--even at 21---SO you better have something to talk about--you better be good friends--you need to want and need that conversation---that begins the day as well as ends it. Friendship---is the beginning of courtship.

How will your ever trust someone again---how will you quench that deep fear of being abandoned--how will you love another without reservation? As I said above----IF they are a man of God---you have started with the basis of trust and understand the deepness of the love that God has for us.

NOW---when you have a significant other--will it be easy--NO--marriage is a job---and you have to work at it and it will be as good as what you put into it. You have to have both of you putting your all into it. Once either of you stops working at it---starts finding fault--does not forgive---it is doomed.

SO--should you have another relationship---I can't answer for you---you have to soul search and figure this out for yourself. DO NOT rush into another relationship---HUGE MISTAKE! Loneliness is tough---but another bad marriage---will be FAR tougher. SO take your time---move slow---what's the hurry?

ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS

The last post brought a comment with a series of 3 questions and a question--why the post "Clarification" did not bring more comments. I will attempt to answers the 3 questions---in 3 posts--with my understanding as to the answers---may not be your answers--but they are mine. As to why were there not more comments----I see that many rush to respond when the comments become contentious---some coming to my defense. I had a call from sweet Barbara--urging me to not respond to the negatives--be cautious for reasons of safety--and discussing where negatives come from. I had already posted my "Clarification"--have never had a moment's concern for my safety and absolutely felt the pain of the one that was posting the comment . SO this is still my voice---I am using it for personal reflection---but I also am choosing to have a conversation with you and myself about where I am and your questions about "My thoughts".





The first question dealt with worrying about financial security. INTERESTING--that you brought this up---my number one concern--my panic button---my stumbling block--

FINANCIAL SECURITY

I will not bore you with the LONG details about why this is such an issue for me---but I will tell you what my thought procss has been about this during the past year. Just let me start by saying---I snickered to myself that you asked this first---since God certainly knows this is my biggest hurdle---He has SUCH a sense of humor!

When I finally got over the initial shock ---and heartbreak---of being alone. I began to process where I was financially and what I needed to do. I am thankful for my accounting background and for all the years that I have taken care of our family's finances as well as countless other's finances. I knew where to start!

The first step was to access where I was. I sat down-----I analyzed what my assets were---what my expenses were--and what it would take to make it financially. I soon determined I did not think I had enough assets to not work---and would be on a tight shoestring in retirement if I did not save more $s.
So I decided I would go back to work--really not much other choice. NOW----I must tell you--you are correct--I do not--at this time have any financial worries---but there is no guarantee that will always be the case. I have NO guaranteed support--and so it was not prudent to depend upon that which could vanish at any time.

So when I started thinking about "What to do", my thoughts ranged from I will work---2 or 3 jobs if necessary but I will provide for myself to finally settling into the decision after MUCH prayer of putting myself out as a "Consultant" after a LONG career of public accounting. This entailed---pulling my big girl panties up and making visits to business contacts from my previous career and business leaders within the community. NOT exactly what I wanted to do--I was still licking my wounds--had to go face those that had heard the talk about the story--BUT-I put on my war paint--dressed in my battle gear and I made those contacts--and God has faithfully honored me with work-to this point.

Work has been my "Mental Liferaft"---when I work---I WORK---I think about the job in front of me and work hard to get it done. I don't think about me--myself--or I--but only what I need to do to complete the task in front of me. I am SO BLESSED to have had my work. When each job has ended--God has provided the next---not a moment earlier than when one ended---teaching me trust. NOW I am fortunate that I took the steps all those years ago to ensure skills that were marketable--and I did work hard for MANY years before retiring for 10 years--so I do know I am blessed to have the abilities I do to earn a fair living. This began me thinking---What would I do--if I didn't have these skills?

I have mulled this over for a couple of days and I go back to where I started when I began thinking about this 9 months ago. I would do whatever was necessary to get the bills paid. I am going to babysit for a friend tonight--but there are MANY out there that need trusted babysitters and will pay you for it. I have a friend that is a great cook--she is cooking to raise money to build an orphanage--but you can support yourself by cooking for others. There are those that work full time that will pay others to clean their house--I have a retired teacher friend that is doing just that. On and on and on---I thought about working a "hotel desk" on the weekend--or working a cash register on the weekend to supplement. Bottom line---figure out what your talents are---and use them to help you earn some $s.

Step Two in the process----keep careful records of what it takes to pay the bills---and how you are spending your $s. I cannot tell you HOW important this is. I KNOW how easy it is to let $s slip through you fingers---so don't let that happen---PLAN and stay with the plan.

Step Three---SAVE!--I have my eye on the future and know that the day will come sooner than later that I will no longer be able - physically- to work---so I am monthly adding to the nest egg. The nest egg---frees you mentally from the edge of worry. You will have an emergency fund and $s for those expenditures that come from no where---but you also will have your retirement. It will be very hard to retire and support yourself on SS alone---thus the need for a fund to draw the earnings from at retirement.

MOST IMPORTANT----I have looked to God----looked to his word---there are MANY verses that address worry----my personal favorite----Phil. 4:6-7
but try Proverbs 12:25 Matt. 6:30 I Peter 5:7 ---there are LOTS of others.

Here is the bottom line on them all----God loves you----He does not want you to worry-he is NOT promising you riches--He does not say life will not be hard---He will faithfully sustain you and provide the necessities IF you look to Him and trust Him----and Worry---worry will not alter anything---it will not change one thing about where you are---but thinking about it---analyzing it---coming up with a plan and sticking to it---or ACTION---that will relieve your worries---It is freeing to know that you are doing something to make a change---it is the
Next Right Thing To Do.

CLARIFICATION

I had already decided what I was going to post today---UNTIL I read all the comments that have been made following my last post. I seem to have stirred up the hornets' nest. Today's thoughts---I thought all headed in the right direction---will wait--for now some clarification.

I've put myself out on a Public Blog--purposefully---so rant, rave and vent away---decide you don't like me---BUT if I am causing you to think----if I am helping you to release some of your anger---if I am having ANY effect upon your thought process AT ALL---I am glad.

I am NOT lucky---I AM Blessed! I THINK I have a lot of friends--because I have gone to the well worthwhile effort to be a friend. If your friends have deserted you---then ask yourself "Why?". Now don't think for a minute that the relationships have not changed in some way---a single woman is treated differently. I understand that totally---I am not the same person I was a year ago--so I have to figure out who I am and where I fit now.

NO--I don't have financial problems---but you might not realize that I went back to school after my first failed marriage with a 2 1/2 year old son---no support at all--borrowed the money---worked and got an accounting degree. I worked hard to be in the position I am today to be able to support myself. Many of my friends are retired--I am at the age where people do that--but instead I have gone back to work and God willing and if He continues to provide the jobs--will work into my 70's to save money for retirement. I also am careful---very careful--about how I spend money.

I DO NOT hate men----I love them--some of my best friends are men---some of the support I have received has been from men. I still believe -with all of my heart---that I (not speaking for all women) was created to be a man's helpmate. I tried to do just that---be a partner---work together---tried to serve--it just was not what he wanted. I STILL believe that God intends for us to stay in our marriage--NOW I understand there are circumstances where one needs to flee for their own safety and sanity---but Godly men and women are called to put self aside and live together until death parts them. You HAVE to give up your own selfish desires---put the other first--and then work with all your might to have a good marriage. It is a job--a God glorifying job---that will reap you rewards. God hates divorce--for good reason---talk to my children---talk to my extended family---talk to my closest friends--there is VERY good reason to hate divorce.

I am NOT bellyaching---I am putting this out for you to read OR NOT---it is about my journey through my life---I hope it helps others---it is not intended for anything else---except--my personal reflection--and possibly the acknowledgement to some others--they are not alone in their struggle.

I AM Blessed---God loves me---he has faithfully sustained me and I still am looking to Him--even though I do not understand why this all happened. Many have encouraged me to write a book---but I probably will never reveal the entire story---there are others to think about--and there is no purpose to be gained from revealing the entirety.

SO---for now---thank you if you are encouraged and support me---I am sorry--no not really--I am glad if I helped you vent your rage and anger---but read me or not---I'll never know-- One thing I do know---it takes a LOT of energy to become angry ---and voice that---for me to cause you the need to pubically vent that anger---that calls into question---perhaps your need for introspection also. I wish you no ill will---nor am I angry at an annoymous voice---I just wish you peace and joy.

ANNUAL REPORT-STATE OF LORA

Well---I've been alone for a year now---a year of first's. I have survived---I have not bought a convertible--I have not found a cliff--I am still here. I have vacillated between the 5 stages of grief like a balloon caught on a spinning fan---never knowing which way I would be thrown the next round.

I have cried a river of tears----believed I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream--or that he would change his mind--ranted and raved at God---tried to pray it all back to normal--thought I would be better in Heaven---and now--today---"It is what it is"----and "I am who I am".

There are still occasional tears---sometimes a burst of anger--but after a year of "Doing the next right thing"---I am doing better. I have gained back 15 of the 20+ pounds I lost. I gained 10 and then started exercising and gained 5 more in 2 weeks. Exercise always does that to me--at this time-that's a good thing. Camille tells me I no longer look frail. I am back running my 5 miles--have to begin other work outs--but I am back on the trail.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed----camped out in Psalms----still camping there. I have purposefully done things that would keep me busy---and not in the cave I LOVE to crawl into. I went back to work--that's been a "life saver"---don't think I would have made it otherwise. God faithfully provided jobs. I have enjoyed working and the stimulation that keeps my brain going.

I changed my pattern at church--so it wouldn't be so hard to be by myself---for some reason--walking into church alone is really tough. I "Wrestle the toddlers" during the service we attended for years---and go to late worship--across town at the other campus. I have lunch with friends every Sunday---a rotating group---but always fun.

My house is slowly becoming my home. I have spent LOTs of time with the kids and grands--they have all been super---and I am blessed. The grands especially---are the sparkle in my eye.

I still have some hurdles to cross--but have more confidence that I will get over them. There are still some firsts---but the hardest are behind me. I am still hurt--alone and abandoned--betrayed---but I have decided I am just ahead of the curve. Most women end up alone at some point in time---as we still outlive the men-but the gap is closing. I am just 10 years or so ahead of my peers in crossing over to the life of a single. I am still lonely---a lot---especially on the weekends and evenings--but I now must find things to fill those hours--and I will.

My friends have been my life lines. Sweet Barbara has listened to me for hour upon hour and always given Godly advice and counsel---My Small Group has cried with me---prayed with me---supported me--helped me move-painted my house---been another family. AND then there are my "Running Buddies"---if you want to know why you should start running---it's because there is a very special bond formed when you run mile upon mile with others. I can't explain it---I just can tell you it's a fact. A HOST of other friends and my sweet family---James and Conville have been a reason to go on.

SO after a year---I'm still here---I am better--I am still in the desert---BUT God has provided oasis after oasis---answers to questions and prayers that I never expected. He has faithfully loved me---and never left me---HE loves me beyond my wildest imagination.

HOW BLESSED CAN ONE PERSON BE----He is providing ALL I need---even His sleeve to wipe my tears. I am thankful He has gotten me to this point--and look forward to the continued journey of healing--until I am totally whole and perfect--in His arms.

LORA VAN WINKLE

I am back into my LOTS of Sleeping Period. I go through periods of sleeping A LOT---I mean going to bed at 8-8:30---sleeping until the alarm goes off at 4:45. Coming home after a morning of work and sleeping 2-3 hours. There are periods that I don't sleep---what seems like ever---but for now I am snoozing my life away. This seems to sap my "Writing Juices"---in fact any creative juices--but for now---GOOD NIGHT!

OUT OF WORDS

I am currently out of words---doing a lot of thinking

In the meantime---just finished and just watched

Half Broke Horses---by Jeannette Walls

The Way---with Martin Sheen


HIGHLY recommend both. Part of what has me thinking!

Being a Mom--

God punished man for letting Eve talk him into a bad idea--by not allowing him to be a Mom. It's without a doubt the greatest blessing a compassionate-loving-forgiving God would give the one that allowed Satan to tempt her. The first evidence of His grace beyond measure.

My niece, Brooke and I talked about the first moment you feel that baby move in your womb--the first cry you hear them whimper--the first time you hold them in your arms. There is no other love so overwhelming---so born without cause---that sweeps over you like the greatest tsunami--and leaves you gasping for air the rest of your days.

We mothers---love our babies---they will always be our babies---flesh of our flesh---born in a magical cloud of love---a love that we is deeper than the deepest ocean and wider than the horizon of the sky.

Our primary function in our lives is to pray for them--nurture them--grow them---mature them--teach them---and then to release them. We expect to pass them into the arms of another --who will love them in the sacred bond of marriage. We expect to watch them continue the cycle of children and grandchildren. We expect our years following our empty nest to be filled with watching them live their lives---love their babies--and eventually taking care of us as we took care of them.

Today I watched my sweet friend have to leave behind her precious daughter--the circle was broken---here on this Earth. My prayer and my question now is how do I help---will God allow me to be His instrument---this is not natural---the circle is broken--but God is in control and He loves us Far beyond our wildest dream. I don't understand---but I have faith in a God that loves us far beyond even the love of a mother.

AN HONOR I WOULD GLADLY HAVE GIVEN UP-

I have an honor given to me that I would GLADLY give back---if it just would change things. Sweet Steph---has named our running group--all women and our "Token Man-Larry" as Honorary Pallbearers for precious Anna Claire. I would like to just scream----"NO---there's no need---this didn't really happen--it's just a bad dream." But here we are---and it is what it is---and I am honored beyond any honor I've EVER had---but I would glady give it up---if we could just go back to Sunday and live this all differently.

We have all lived life together in a very unique way---we have sweated--groaned--frozen--complained---solved ALL of life's problems--been there for each other-every step of the way over more miles than I could possibly even tell you. I once said when we were all out for a long run---one of us will get breast cancer-----it's just the statistics--they don't lie---and it happened. One of us will end up with a broken marriage---and sure enough. One of the things though that I NEVER even thought about--has now happened---should have known---but it's the unspeakable horror that you never let pass your lips.

Well--we will have to figure out how to get through this----God is the wind behind our back when we run--and He will be the One that holds us up as we walk through this desert. Heaven is looking BETTER and BETTER! God just get them through tomorrow--and show us how to pray for the next day---that's my constant prayer.

AND THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING-

We have all lost a sweet---free spirit--one just beginning---I feel like the world has stopped for a moment---but I look around and banquets are still held--babies are still fed--work is still there---dinners are still shared---the world just keeps on turning.

Perhaps that was one of the lessons of Job. Our lives are all devestation---we are reeling in the tumult of unspeakable grief---all seems to be stripped---AND the world keeps turning. Others stand by our side---just as Job 3 friends came and sat with him--but there seems to be no comfort - no solace--no answers---and yet for all around us--the world keeps turning.

My own life has been put into perspective--this week. There can be not one thing worse than losing your child. The depth of despair and desolation are beyond my mind's comprehension. I am grasping at ways to help---words to say---anything to soothe the pain--but all seems an exercise in desperation.

HOW can the world still be turning---I am sure Job must have wondered the same.

THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT!

Our long time running buddy and her sweet family lost their 21 year old daughter yesterday to a heart attack. THIS STINKS! Such a wonderful precious family----and Steph---well there's no one else in the world quite like Steph. She loves her girls---is a wonderful Mother---wrapped up in those sweet things. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

I spent the evening struggling with why God didn't take me or someone like me---lived life---done it---done LOTs. WHY would he take one that had just begun her adult journey? Why would it happen to this sweet family? They love the Lord--faithfully serve Him. It's NOT fair!--There is NO explanation.

I am adding this to my list of questions I plan to ask God--and it goes WAY up at the top. Don't tell me to read Job---done that more times than I can say. That didn't seem fair either. I KNOW He created the world---His way is the best way----Just need some clairification.

SO PLEASE pray for my sweet friend Steph and her family. At this point--I think pray for strength to get through the next few days and courage to face tomorrow. There will be no peace for a while and they will not be comforted - though we all want to try. So I am praying they can just meet the task at hand---which is HUGE. I will pray for them one step at a time---and this is the first step. Please pray with me.

S I G H !!!!!!!!!

Following one FULL week of the two littlest grands and their Mother being with me---they left for the great state of TX this AM. I have put my house back in order---all is clean---all in it's place---the 2 inches of sand in the garage (following my brilliant idea of placing the sandbox in the garage in case it rained) is gone---there is not a single sign anyone has been here--not even a lone fingerprint on the window.

Pardon me while I crawl back into my Cave named Lonely! NOW BEFORE you jump down my throat---I LOVED having them here--it was a HUGE blessing---we played and played---BUT I think I am entitled to a brief moment of "Self Pity"!

COUNTING ON HIM!

Went to LPP this am with boys. I have a year's family pass-BEST bargain in town. Camille took the boys another day while I was working and was awed by the new playground.

Her comment today as we entered the gates, "The best kept secret around--" It is beautiful especially right now---everything is beginning to bloom and all the trees are budding out. There was not another soul there---unbelievable!

While playing on the playground, I yelled to Henry --"HELP ME--I'm stuck!" He called---
"I'm coming---I will save you" He's pretending to be a Fireman---He got me out of my predicament. Later when we got home and were enjoying our hot dogs and Lulu's Famous chili---I brought up that he had saved me at the park and thanked him. His reply, "You can count on me, Lulu" MELT MY HEART!


Side Note---Michelle---since we have many mutual friends---next time you see me around---come over and say, Hi!. Love to meet you--if your friends with my friends then I would like to be your friend. Also if you sign up to be a follower---you do not have to use your real name---and you can create a "Stage Name"--be incognito---BUT when you sign up you will be alerted when I have blogged--no more looking when I am in a blogging slump!

SLEEPING WITH A SLY WEASEL--

AFTER NUMEROUS-attempts to get Mr. H to settle down and close those eyes----

"My knee hurts"

"OK---I'll rub it"

side--several minutes of rubbing

"My leg hurts--rub it"

side-severall minutes of rubbing

"My other leg hurts--rub it"

ditto above

"My arm hurts-rub it"

in anticipation--I go ahead and rub the other one.

"HENRY--it's time to go to sleep."

small voice

"My elbow hurts"

I cracked up---we have to start all over with the "Go to sleep show"

AND then there's the Little Mooch---never met ANY food that he did not like---wants his--mine-brothers--Momma's and anyone else that might be in the room.

If ANYONE puts any morsel near their mouth--he is whining---

If he SMELLS--any food--within the 1/2 mile--he's on the hunt

If it is even CLOSE to time to eat-meal/snack--whatever---he is UNHAPPY if you do not get the food to him fast enough

BEST WEEK I've had in a while!

WHO I AM-

Since my world has turned upside down--one of the things I have done a lot of soul searching about is just "Who I am". I've really liked working again--keeps my brain exercised--that's a really good thing.

I've loved spending time with LOTS of different friends---long time---new--some from long ago---all avenues of friendship.

I love being with my children and grands. As Friend Patty recently told me---"They're your crown." She's right---certainly my crowning achievement.

While Camille and boys have been here, I have realized one of the things I love most in the world and who I really think I am---I LOVE to serve others. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, playing---painting, gardening---you name it--I am game if it helps someone else. THAT is the thing I have missed THE MOST this past year---having someone to serve on a daily basis. There is NO GREATER BLESSING!

SO--I am in my element this week---still only working a few hours every AM---SO I have plenty of time and energy to focus on just that----WHAT A BLESSING!

THE SMALL OF THE BACK

There's just nothing quite like a hand reached out in the middle of the night to touch you on your back.

There's just nothing quite like the hum of the steady breathing of one so close you can sense their heart beat.

There's just nothing quite like the warmth radiated by one so close that you dare not move for fear of disturbing.

There's just nothing quite like--your name called in the middle of the night to make sure you are still there.

There's just nothing quite like---a sweet man by your side--as you slide into dream land.

OH--Henry----yes Henry is sleeping with his Lulu this week!

HANGING WITH THE OCD CROWD!

MANY of my friends---"Bless Their Hearts"---are a tad bit over the Ledge called OCD! Really---they all make me look quite sane! I just THOUGHT I was on that ledge---next to them--I have not even made it to the parking lot for the overlook!

Been walking with my friends---since my running seems to have ceased---5 miles---and they do NOT fool around. MANY of you know Sandra----LOVE HER---BUT when I texted her one day last week and asked had she walked yet---she responded "Yes", but I'll go again. Now let's see--she has walked 5 miles already--she is going to walk 5 more with me and then she has a spin class for an hour. AND---she's not running because she's injured. HUMMM!

She went to the doc---he put her on a dose pack and said no running---NOW---she says "He said I could walk!" Something in the dark recesses of my mind tells me--he had NO IDEA that she meant 5-10 miles a day! SHE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE "GRANNY MOSES"!

Then there is Steph-----counts her steps----MUST run every 100th of the mile---CANNOT stop until the GPS has clocked beyond the mile marker. MUST run the same routes OVER AND OVER---does not mind running the same 1/4 of a mile loop OVER AND OVER AND OVER. To prove that point---we were once training for another marathon. We had a little neighborhood loop that was a mile---she did that SAME loop about 7-8 times in our long run one week. JUST SHOOT ME! I may look at the same thing twice---but that is my limit.

Then there is Babs---MISS working out with her--my long time running buddy--whose knees have betrayed her. BUT she cycles, walks and swims religiously. Babs always wants to know- "Did you?" and "What was your time"---NOT that any of us would be competitive!

REALLY I get a reality check of just how sane I am---by just hanging with the OCD Crowd!

CLIMBING MOUNT GRACE

God's been working in my life---starting last Sunday. While driving home from Austin last Sunday, I heard a sermon on forgiveness. I have been soul searching and pondering and thinking--and praying -and I know now what i knew then---

I have to forgive---that will be a HUGE mountain to climb---but guess what----I will be the conqueror once I reach that summit! One thing I gloried at while hiking all those mountains---it was ALWAYS worth the work once you reached the top!

SO---you have to start from square one to climb that mountain---you have to decide what the first step is on the way up that --what seems insurmountable mountain---the LONG climb to the top.

My first step is stopping talking about "It All"---my grief--my hurt--my anger--ALL OF IT! I cannot control my thoughts---but I can control my mouth. SO I'm going to work at finding other things to talk about---and hope my thoughts will follow the lead.

Pray for me!