Saturday, October 22, 2011


I am weaning myself off my "happy pills". I decided the only thing they really do is dull the pain you need to experience to ever go forward. So I am almost thorough the weaning process, and the pain has returned---intense---real---acutely painful!

The question that I keep asking myself---What is wrong with me?-----am I not pretty enough--smart enough---verbose enough---charming enough----on and on Why am I alone? I have to walk down this dark road---and hopefully walk out on the other side into the sunshine.

I went and voted tonight at the same precinct that I have voted in for 28 years. The ladies know me when I walk in the door--we have established a relationship over the years---I will now be in a new precinct. I cried when I left----so MANY goodbyes.

I started seeing a counselor this week--trying to move forward---since I have not been able to make that move yet. She told me to write down the verses from The Word that pertain to God's love of me and how He feels about me. She told me that I have the head knowledge--it's convincing myself now that it is a heart truth. I have only been able to write one truth down---

"I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel and
afterwards you Will take me into glory."

One of the things I have missed most is the touch---I am praying that God will let me physically know His touch.

Pray for me as I pray for you----He will take us all into glory.


Katie Jobczynski said...

Lulu, I've only ever met you a handful of times but I love you so dearly! I know how you're feeling as I have struggled with anxiety/depression since childhood. I am praying for peace in your heart and for you to be able to accept and feel God's love for you. It will get better.

Anonymous said...

I will not mince words. You are alone because a man became a fool! No excuse for it period. You love your kids and grans. God loves you even more than that. Know that. If you must, get a good concordance look up love. Enjoy each way He shows you how He loves you. God Bless,

lindsey said...

Thank you for your prayers, sweet lady, and I am definitely praying for you, too. Just can't imagine how difficult this all must be, but I do know that as you keep clinging to His promises, you will see so much deliverance and peace in the days to come. Your story is bringing Him glory, too :). Wanted to share a verse I read earlier today that made me think of you...praying it for you :).

Psalm 145:14 "The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down."

Great chapter all together, too :).

Anonymous said...

I have not been on FB or anything while in Arkansas. I have to say AMEN to what anonymous said....Teh biggest fool is an old fool.. I am fully aware that you have all the head knowledge about God's love....God will totally reveal it to your heart...perhaps when you least expect it..but I hope it is soon.....I hurt seeing you hurt.... Luh Ya! Goosie

Lora Hammons said...

I have been down your dark road, tried your "happy pills," gotten off the "happy pills," cried more than I thought possible, and prayed constantly. You will make it. Call me soon. I sold Coach's house; we are moving this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Keep you in my prayers! I have to tell you that as one of your former pastors, I loved your joy of life and humor! Do not let anyone take that from you! Be blessed even in the darkest of nights--joy comes in the morning!