"Ladies do not show their emotions in public," a famous Momma quote. I am not sure where this philosophy came from-probably "The Aunts", but that was Momma's mantra. I never remember seeing Momma cry-through all the pain that life threw at her-until her final illness. I have written before about the day she had huge tears running down her face at the Nursing Home. It totally broke my heart to see those tears and I wanted nothing but to soothe her and for them to disappear. It was SO out of character for Momma to display a raw emotion - even in front of her family. I have a clear picture as I write of her pain-knowing life was indeed drawing to a close and I assume mourning what could have been.
It is very difficult to move past my childhood years and openly display the emotions that well up deep inside my soul. I am sure that is the reason that I am not a pretty crier. Some women have the ability to cry at the drop of a hat and have these lovely tears pouring from their eyes. No red face-no tightly drawn eyes-no knitted brow-just beautiful tears flowing. Tears are painful for me. I do not like to cry-but God has chosen to break through that protective shell quite a few times during my lifetime. Oh, but the heart twisting pain of letting those tears flow!
There have been times that not only did I cry, but I felt a primal moan coming from deep within me. A moan that rose without warning from the very depth of my soul to fill the world around me. Some tears have come with intense sobbing that left me without breath and gasping for life sustaining air. Painful-painful- I may never stop tears.
God has taught me that the tears are good. They provide the outlet for all that I have tried to hold within. They burst forth and offered open release for intense pain. They are a gift for God which helps our hearts to heal and provides balm for the holes left in our soul. It is very difficult to step over the line and let the emotions rule-but He understood our pain before we even knew it was coming. There are times during life that I have cried a bucket of tears-but if not for the tears-would my soul and heart have ever gone on to another day?
God chose to reveal to me at the end of last week that He also has given me the gift of tears of happiness. What a sweet-sweet gift. To feel the overflow of joy running down my face is an indication and reminder of His love and care for me. A outward sign of His awareness of where I am and a promise of joy and peace regained.
What Momma spent years instilling within my psyche, God has taken a lifetime to unlearn those emotional lessons. I am blessed that He loves me enough to not allow me to live in the turmoil of hidden emotions. He loves me enough to break through the protective shell and expose the very nerve endings of my heart. He loves me enough to give me the gift of tears.
______________________________________________________________
Last day to vote anonymously on the poll on the right side of your page. Music or not?
After an almost two week break from running, I went back to the group this AM. My friends are wonderful and greeted me with a hug and encouraged my painful reentry into the world of running. I was "Sucking Eggs", but I finished the 5 miles and then walked another.
7 comments:
Good post, Mom. Glad that the Lord is providing happy tears, too.
I am one of those who cry at the drop of a hat...but it wasn't always like that. Held so many things inside as a child: abuse, drug addiction, domestic violence...when I finally went into a residential treatment center (in my late 30's) years of pent up tears finally burst forth....I remember it like it was yesterday...
it was painful....but so healing.
everyone needs to cry...in pain and in joy! my last tears of joy, was at a baptism (of an autistic child) a few weeeks ago. It was simply beautiful!
I was blessed with my Dad's big ol' tender heart...and I wouldn't have it any other way. I remember after Dad died, somebody told me I had to be STRONG, blah, blah, blah. I remember thinking....how bout I just fall apart and if you love me you can pick me up and help me put myself together again. I opted for the "be strong" deal because I thought it was MANLY! HA! Being strong only delayed my falling apart for several years. In rearview, I should have just fallen apart right then and there - saved myself and others a great deal of misery. That's not completely true. I like who I am today and it took every experience that I have ever had to get me right here and now.....truthfully I am grateful(however weird that may sound). Love you!
I DO NOT show my emotions often, either. Must be from the James side-my mom has NO problems showing her emotions!
I bet it felt nice to run again today....it's good to take a break every now and then, though!
We were built to cry....it is a necessary valve. I am convinced if you don't cry you will explode in some way. Sometimes I feel crying is the beginning of healing.
The deep primal moan is called, "keening". (I think that is spelled right.)
I'm truly glad you have found this blessed relief/release. As your baby girl said, I'm glad you are being provided happy tears.
OH! I gotta have the tunes......I've been having to listen to BORING radio!!!
(Goose Creek Buddy)
Well said. I guess well written. But either way.. Im thrilled for your happy tears. I think the other tears are just as needed .. but I love the moments where we are so happy that tears are just rolling down our face. Its an unexplainable feeling. Especially when we are sharing them with others! :)
Post a Comment