IF YOU MUST---THEN

I went for a "New House" shopping trip today. I made an executive decision---if you are sleeping alone---you should sleep on REALLY GOOD sheets! I may slide off the bed on those "really nice---soft----wonderful sheets! A little preview of Heaven.

One of my new neighbors commented on one of my posts that they INDEED do have varmints and critters here in the French Quarter. AND HERE I AM UNARMED---!!!! I have my 38 revolver--BUT that would bring the local "High Sheriff" for SURE. Perhaps someone out there has a shotgun with a silencer? Do they make such a thing? My new neighbors would be SO appreciative if I would rid them of the "Devil Creature"----the armadillo.

Most of my neighbors have these angels and other sweet things in their yards. If you come looking for me---my house is the one with the armadillo yard art. A gift from my sweet friends!

DOWN IN THE FRENCH QUARTER!!!!

Well for all of you that are currently stuck in your rut---I'm down in the French Quarter---well that is the Ruston version of the French Quarter. My friend Sam's small group came and moved all my furniture and heavy things Friday night after I had spent the week moving-1429 boxes of "Stuff". After having a garage sale and hauling truck loads of stuff off---I still have LOTS! I know those sweet men were relieved that I had moved all the boxes--especially after they told the story of the last woman they moved who had not packed one box when they arrived to move her. They told the story of throwing clothes on a flat bed trailer at the end and driving them to the new house. NOW I don't know about you but as for me---I don't really care to have my underwear blowing in the wind for all to see as a team of men drive them across town. Thankfully I have only moved about a mile---but STILL! The way to impress your new neighbors is to NOT have your underwear strewn all over the neighborhood!

I have decided to turn myself in to the reality show "Hoarders". I definitely quality. After selling, giving away, and junking TONS of stuff--well 40 years of accumulation---I still have a house crammed full. I have begun analyzing just what I do have. Now WHY in the world would I need 200 glasses of various sizes and shapes. I am currently having a soda and I don't believe I can drink out of more than one glass at a time. And that rice cooker---why I did a perfectly good job of cooking rice on top of the stove for most of may life--WHY did I think I needed a rice cooker-which by the way I very seldom ever use. The crock pot---when is the last time I used that crock? How many towels do I need to dry off and do I EVER use more than one rag at a time to dust. YES----"Hoarders Anonymous" here I come! BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT THE ICE CREAM MAKER---Blue Bell may be good-but there's just nothing like homemade --that I make about every 5 years!

SO I have vowed to clean out some more----"But I will think about that tomorrow!" I have made a very important decision----the next move will be in the hearse!

TRANSPLANTING

I am almost transplanted. Stories coming---back on line and almost settled. Hang with me---By the way I really do think I saw an armidillo divet in the front yard of the new abode---Now that I am unarmed--well except for my 38 pistol---what a shame!

ONE SIZE SHOULD FIT ALL

I LOVE my friends--they have been such a HUGE SUPER help with my move. We had 7 + painting Friday night and supper brought to us all. What a Blessings!

When I took another load in the truck today, and after unloading and putting away---decided to put the plate faces back on in my bedroom and bathroom that they had removed and mixed in one big pile. I am slightly challenged when it comes to this type of activity--BUT would never let that stop me from trying!

There were several types of plate faces and 3----count them 3 different sizes of screws. WELL NOW---what in the world ? These are all face plates for electric outlets and switches---WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU NEED 3 DIFFERENT SIZE SCREWS???? I'm as good at screwing things in as anyone else---but this took WAY TOO LONG! I had to figure out which screw went with which type of outlet or switch. I am a little unhappy with the screw people---but give them credit where credit is due----the genius in their plan---we have to buy the 3 different kinds of screws. ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL!

My final question---WHY would their be a plug in the water closet (You know the loo) ?????? I do not require an answer!

DO NOT PUT OFF YOUR LAUNDRY!

I was in QUITE the dilemma yesterday when getting dressed to go to work. It seems I was down to the bottom of the basket when it came to underwear. Laundry has taken a backseat to packing---so this just slipped up on me--plus I have to change clothes almost every day twice after sweating a bucket in this 100 degree weather.

I start digging---NOT wanting to resort to the tactic I have heard many a college student uses--turning it inside out ----JUST YUCK! I finally come up with what Momma would call a pantie girdle---what I would call spandex panties. Momma CERTAINLY NEVER left home without her girdle! I wore this to Camille's wedding in an abundance of caution---not wanting to think about holding my stomach in all night while dancing and celebrating. So I throw them on----well not exactly throw----it's more like stuffing a sausage into its casing. You've got to kind of wiggle into it.

Now the day starts off fine---but as the day progresses---I notice I am feeling bound---more hours and it is more like constricted----by the end of the day--it's like I am being strangled but just lower--I am certainly cutting off important blood flow to all my lower extremities.

I feel the spandex digging into my legs---creeping up where it is most uncomfortable and digging into my gut. Instead of holding my fat in---it has now made an escape and is hanging over the waist. I look like these 50 year old men that run around bragging about wearing the same size trousers they wore in high school and their nine month belly completely hiding the fact that they are now wearing the waist slightly above their crotch. It is LOVELY!

They should really think about using these when trying to get information out of prisoners or terrorists. MUCH MORE effective than water-boarding---a few hours in this baby and they will be spilling their guts!
Enough of all this----I have GOT to go do the laundry!

DEAD DILLO WALKING!

All of you are SO going to miss my dillo war stories! I will complete my move this weekend---and then NO MORE DILLO HUNTING! I will be in the city limits---in the middle of a neighborhood with no woods---thus NO CRITTERS! SORRY--but will try to come up with a new angle to keep you entertained!

Saturday night just before bed time----I'm out on "Dillo Patrol" AGAIN! That varmint has torn up the flower bed and even dug divots in the grass --AGAIN! I've had it! Friend Sheila has loaned me a shot gun--guaranteed to "Get em". SO---I head down the LONG drive with my flashlight, shotgun, and extra shell. NOW in case you have never dealt with a shotgun (like I had not) THEY ARE HEAVY! So I am headed down the drive with the shell in the barrel and flashlight in hand. NOW for all of you novices (I am SO experienced!) shotguns shoot one shell at a time, unless they are double barreled---so you better aim good and reload quick!

As I ease down the drive, with my wonderful flashlight giving about a 2" circumference circle of light in front of me, I hear rustling in the leaves. If you live in the woods, you have a thick layer of leaves and pine straw all around. I ease off into the woods in pursuit. Once again--I brilliantly have on flip flops---snakes come out at night---live in the woods---I am BRILLIANT! NOW the dillos are almost blind---but certainly not deaf. He hears me coming and takes off! I am running behind him holding all my STUFF and trying to point my two inches of light not only where I am running, but also trying to find the dillo. Somehow in my excitement, I flip the lever that opens the barrel of the shotgun and the shell flies out. DRAT!!!!!

I still have one shell left, so I reload and take my fingers OFF that lever. He finally stops, I ease up on him and squeeze the trigger. NOTHING DOUBLE DRAT!!!!

He takes off again & I am in hot pursuit as the limbs from the trees slap me in the face--since I can only see the 2" circumference where I am pointing the light. He finally stops again in a thicket and I point the gun once again and try to shoot--NOTHING! DRAT DRAT DRAT---I look there is no safety on this thing. What am I doing wrong???

OH YEAH---you have to cock the trigger!!!! So I cock it---he starts walking toward me and is 3 feet from me---I squeeze the trigger---BOOM! Sheila was wrong it DOES have a kick! The dillo does NO acrobatics---I GOT HIM!!! Straight on!

YOUR WELCOME, BESS!!! My final gift to you---there has not been another one around since!

OVERWHELMED & UNDERSTAFFED!!!

Stay tuned----I have another dillo story to tell----


just trying to get things moved---one truck load at a time---


have lots of help for big stuff this Saturday---but lots to do before then.

I should have gotten up when I was staring at the ceiling and going over lists in my head at 3:00AM!!!!!

PARTY GIRL!

My sweet niece, Brooke, invited me to a sex party tonight. Well I've never been invited to one of these before and just didn't know quite what to expect. I am open to new adventures these days--and after all--it was all family--so what harm could it be? I have always enjoyed a good party and she promised a wild and fun time.

I put on my cute pink outfit and my white dancing sandals and headed to Arcadia. What fun---I get there and everyone is dressed SO FESTIVE in a variety of 2 colors. It was like we were paired off or something. We all sat around and enjoyed appetizers and drinks--for a little mixing and mingling and then the surprise came--

Brooke stood in front us all and after a little tease announced the winners of the sex contest---

All that were dressed in blue---

IT'S A BOY!

BITTERSWEET

I went to the attorney's office and met my sweet realtor and the seller of my house and her realtor. We signed all the papers which mark a new beginning in another house.

I walked outside the building with a different set of keys in my pocket. I broke down and sobbed in my realtor's arms.

I threw up my hands and said I would be okay.

I went to my new home, it soon filled with friends. We painted and laughed and ate and painted. I put one foot in front of the other and did the next right thing.

I must admit---I never expected this day---this is not where I thought I would be. It is a new beginning---but it is all bittersweet. I am thankful and blessed for my friends and family. I don't think I could make the next step without them---but with them I will---and do the next right thing.

WHO'S UR REAL MOMMA???

Friend, Sheila, was kind enough to loan me a shot gun for my dillo hunting. It's a 107 or 138 or some number like that. I can't ever keep all of that straight and what's with the numbering anyway? I think it has something to do with the bigger the number the bigger the hole. ANYWAY----that silly dillo has not had the guts to show up again. I think they must be reading my blog and KNOW when I am on the warpath!

NOW I thought Sheila was my friend---but she sent an email today and asked---"What or Who have you shot with the shotgun?" Now really----I've only shot the house once and as far as I know I've not hit any "Who's" yet---though the thought might have crossed my mind to take a little target practice or better yet---see just what's in this thing they call "Drive By Shooting".

I don't know about you, but if I get angry enough to shoot someone---I want them to see my face and my gun---and KNOW what's coming. WHOOOPS--REALLY I am not murderous---well except for the dillos.

SO SORRY---I am off on another rabbit trail AGAIN---LOTS ON MY MIND! AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY---Sweet #2 is here to help his Momma and see his Pappaw for a few days. I am glad he is here and it is good to have someone in the house with me again.

After a LONG DAY of serving "Back To School Lunch" to my sweet friends at Cypress Springs Elementary and then flying to work, I came home and put my feet up and had a nice visit with him. It is REALLY nice to have someone to discuss your day with. Then "Cousin Goose" came over and we had a funny discussion about Niece Brooke's party she is having Saturday night. That will be another post---it is really funny!"

So after a little supper, Gabe and I head to the paint store to get our supplies for painting my new abode---WHICH I CLOSE ON TOMORROW! WOW! This time has FLOWN! We buy the paint--and we head home----and OH YEAH--we are in the 20 year old "Yard Truck" and OF COURSE--Gabe is driving. You know those men like to feel manly which means they want to be in control in a vehicle.

So ANYWAY---he is concerned about turning over the paint in the back of the truck--or some of our stuff flying out--so he is going very slow and being very careful. We get to the street in front of the Vienna abode and all of a sudden a creature---he's gray---he has a long tail---he has 4 short legs--starts running out of my woods. I YELL'''STOMP IT GABE-----HIT HIM!----GET HIM! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!!!!!" Well of course his first response is to immediately obey his Momma and he does stomp it. Then he starts laughing and says "I can't wait to tell my friends about you insisting that I GET HIM!" He said the critter might have been dead, but we would have had brown and green paint strewn all over the truck and road. What's more important a little spilled paint or a dead dillo? DUHHHH!

Well it turns out the critter was a possum ( OR opossum as my correct English friend Joanna said). I did tell her that we do not have any O possums here---only possums! Anyway---I don't have any quarrel with the possum--well not since he snarled at me when I was a kid trying to take the garbage out. (HUMMM Have I told you that story?) So he got away--but something tells me Gabe will embellish and have a good time telling his friends "Who's his momma"!

OVER EXPOSURE!!!

I have had a line of 'professionals" parading in and out of my Vienna home. Inspectors, appraisers, electricians, plumbers, septic pumpers, and on and on. I am beginning to feel as exposed as if my underwear was hanging on the clothes line in the front yard on a major highway. There for all to see---EXPOSED! Sidenote--to the 3 young readers I have---we actually used to NOT have clothes dryers in the "good old days". After putting our clothes through the wringer washer-another story---we had to hang them on the "Clothes line" to dry---LORDAMERCY! I diverge AGAIN!

These guys have floated in and out of my house and looked at my things---AND WELL are beginning to know me a little TOO WELL! I am beginning to feel as exposed as a sunbather on the beach in the South of France.

The pits---literally---came when the septic system had to be replaced. The JOY of living in the country! First they dug up the old septic tank----the metal tank's top had rusted out---there it was for all the world to see---our waste--exposed to all!

They brought this truck in that looks a lot like a small milk truck---but the tank DOES NOT contain milk! They pump out your septic tank and fill that small tank truck with it. WARNING DIRE WARNING DO NOT BROAD SIDE ONE OF THESE SMALL TANKERS WITH YOUR CAR------MAJOR YUCK!!!!

When those men had me come out and looked at the septic tank---I literally was "running off at the mouth"! I told them that I came from a LONG LINE of up tight constipated people---just LOOK at my pruned up face! I then told them I was SURE the culprit was bc---after all he was FULL of ---never mind!

I KNOW I AM BUSY WHEN----

I make lists----lots of lists-----You know you are especially busy when you have more than one page of lists----I currently have 4 different pages going on---

1. Buy a house--THIS Friday
2. Pack up this house to move
3. The Back to School Staff Luncheon at CSE THIS Thursday
4. Work List

I think this goes WAY back for a LONG LONG TIME---probably when I was a kid and I made packing lists-----

I don't ever remember not making lists--

The really NEAT thing about those lists---is crossing something off of them! It does get a little crazy though when you are adding more items than crossing off

And then it gets to be such a mess that you have to rewrite the list--because you can't tell anymore what's done and what's not--

REALLY I AM NOT CRAZY!!! well not completely anyway just sorta.

ALL IN A SATURDAY'S WORK!

Today is the monthly day that you may carry those things you can not put in the trash-well that you SHOULD NOT put in your trash to the recycle place. I have been cleaning out the garage closet and cabinets and SOMEONE seems to have stored 4,992 cans of paint in many various styles, colors and forms. You are NOT supposed to just throw this away with your household garbage. NOW does that make any sense---after all I painted the house and things in the house with it. ANYWAY----I loaded my yard truck up and took off to the Public Works Department.

You have gone to the landfill and public works WAY too much when they immediately recognize you as you drive up. The "Recycle Man" said---you need to back that truck up into this narrow metal building door. "Do you think you can do that or do you need help?" Me---SNORT SNORT SNORT. I jam that floor stick shift into R and flick off the clutch. I am in that door before he could blink his eye. You should have heard his buddies hooting. I am pretty sure I gained a little admiration for an OLD GRAY HEADED LADY!

On another note----Mr. Dead Dillo ---sent his brother calling last night with revenge in his eye. When I got up this AM, the garden was a mess-------OHHHHHHH BEWARE Mr. Dillo--- I borrowed a shotgun today. Will be on "Dillo Patrol" until he is a goner!

Friend Barbara texted and said just spray your yard and get rid of the grubs and be done with the "Dillo Rodeo". I replied

It's TOO MUCH FUN SHOOTING THEM!

COLOR CHART

My hair guy (What do you call him when all he does is give you a SHORT cut?) gave me some advice during my last cut- "Don't make any color decisions during a time of emotional stress!"

This advice followed my asking about blue stripes in my silver hair. He NEVER told me how he thought that would look! I am just trying to make a statement---not exactly sure what that statement is---BUT it would be a statement.

He has me questioning my color choices for my new house. I REALLY liked the "Original October Orange" and "Passionate Pearly Pink"---but now I am starting to wonder.

"You do know you can't EVER have too much pink" to quote Julia Roberts in "Steel Magnolias"--the original rule book for being a Southern Belle!

THE UNANSWERABLE WHYS

My new house closing has been moved up to next Friday so we can get the painting done before I have to move from the Vienna Abode. I am in packing overdrive. I spent the day yesterday going through pictures and momentos seperating and boxing them up. It was a very difficult day filled with a cloud of "Why". It was a tough day that lead to falling into bed at 7:30 and waking up at 11:30 with the same question rolling through my head. There is no answer.

Life is filled with these unanswerable "Whys". We are never going to understand. This is where faith comes in. Can you imagine how Job must have felt as he sat in the scorching sun---having lost EVERYTHING precious to him and is covered with sores----WHY????

As a Believer---I accept these unanswerable Why's----not with a smile----but knowing even as I grieve---that it ALL will bring God glory. I may never see how----it is unfathomable in MANY situations how----and yet--- with faith---I accept ---I cling---I grow---and move forward.

HOW MANY LIVES DOES A DILLO HAVE?

The NEVER ENDING dillo saga--took another turn last night. I have promised the new queen of the "Old Wire Road Manor" that I would get the latest devil that has been shredding not only my garden and flower beds, but even the this year's planted sod. Bess is such a little Southern Belle---who comes from a long line of Southern Belles---I'm thinking she is a little intimidated with the idea of the "Dillo Games"--but that's alright she has a house full of "men folk" to come to her rescue.

As I made my 1:30 AM patrol looking for Mr. Dillo---LOW AND BEHOLD --there he is in the front yard with his snout about six inches into the centipede sod. RUN GET YOUR GUN AND FLASHLIGHT, Annie! NOW--is there One ---I mean even ONE flashlight in the entire closet that works---WHY OF COURSE NOT! So I head back outside in my flip flops with my loaded rifle. Side note-I live in the woods---it is very hot---the snakes come out at night to eat---they only bite if you step on them---I can't see where I am stepping. I Diverge!

Notorious for their poor eyesight--you can walk right up to the dillo---BUT I learned they have very good hearing. As I take careful aim-about 4 feet away and slowly squeeze the trigger--I discover the safety is on--unlike the time I shot the house. OK--so I take the safety off and once again take careful aim and squeeze---Nothing happens---OH YEAH--you've got to put a bullet in the chamber. The sound that the lever makes to put that bullet in the right place and perhaps me muttering under my breath alert the dillo. He has removed his snout and his ears are up. As I take careful aim once again and begin to squeeze the trigger ----the automatic sprinkler system cuts on in that part of the yard at that precise moment. He is alerted and takes off running and I shoot. I pretty sure I missed him and hopefully missed my brand new car-will have to check that out after daylight.

I think he is in the thick bushes in the flower bed, so for the next 15 minutes, I shake, prod, and explore to see if I can get him out. I finally move enough branches and prod enough to be convinced that he got away. DRAT!

BUT WAIT---I am really sure God put this thought in my head--He needed a good laugh with the condition of the world--I think "Check the back". Ok--I go open the garage door to look out back and immediately hear something. Once again--no flashlight and it is pitch black in the woods. I run inside to turn on all the deck lights---thinking he will be gone. As I go back out the sliding door---LOW AND BEHOLD---there is that devil 2 feet away.

I once again---take careful aim---now I have all the rifle issues solved-so should be a sure thing. I SHOOT! GOT HIM!!! You know you've hit them when they jump straight up in the air and do an acrobatic move that any high diver would envy. For a creature with legs 2 inches long--it is amazing to see him go straight up and then do a back flip with a slight twist and take off running.

I on for the chase! He then runs into the lattice work under the deck and I line up another shot. GOT HIM AGAIN! This time he does a full round off with a complete twist. He heads for the woods. He doesn't get very far before he keels over on his side in a mound of leaves and is still. I think he's dead---but maybe I'll shoot him once more to make sure. I am on the tall part of the deck-8 feet off the ground, but I take careful aim and squeeze the trigger. NOTHING HAPPENS--I am out of ammo!

The devil then lifts his head and looks right up at me. Lifts his wounded body and starts for the creek with two extra holes in him.

Does anyone have an elephant gun I can borrow?

PACKING & PATROLLING!

You KNOW you are old when you do things like F A L L into the bed at 6:30 exhausted and go straight to sleep without collecting $200.


AND THEN


At 11:00 your body says----NICE NAP-----GET UP

I am up packing boxes and patrolling for Mr. Dillo------OHH---he's crafty

I got up last night every hour on the hour and he was a NO SHOW---

That's ALRIGHT---I am VERY PATIENT!

SWEET REMINDER

The "Lady of the House" that will be the new mistress of the "Old Wire Road Manor" came by this afternoon with one of her boys and her sister in law and 2 nieces. I was so pleased to find someone who is excited about living in my dear home and with her husband and sweet children filling this house with love and laughter once again. I "got over" my aversion to having someone seeing the house in upheaval with the packing going on and invited them to come look. Such gracious and sweet people. God has once again gifted me with the knowledge that I have asked. I now know the family that will be here is perfect and leaving will not be so difficult. Another in a long line of blessings!

I AM DEFINITELY NUTS!!!

THE ONLY BIGGER NUT WHO WOULD GO TO A GARAGE SALE THIS RECORD SETTING HOT WEEK HERE IN LA

IS THE ONE WHO WOULD GIVE THE GARAGE SALE---

I WOULD BE THAT NUT!

DARN DILLO!

That DARN DILLO is BACK! GRRRRRRR! After successfully keeping him out of my garden for most of the summer he has made a return. I cannot for the life of me figure out how he's getting in. I have it all fenced off and it is built with a stone wall around it with a drop of about 18" to 2 ft. He's either morphed his legs into stilts or he's learned to jump on a pogo stick to get down the stone steps-- BUT he's back and MAKING A HUGE MESS!

Someone needs to warn him---the gun is back by the door---the flashlight is ready---I am sleeping in my clothes with shoes by the bed---I am back on Dillo Patrol

I plan to leave the new owners of my house one more free parting gift-

A DEAD DILLO CARCASS