ANNUAL REPORT-STATE OF LORA

Well---I've been alone for a year now---a year of first's. I have survived---I have not bought a convertible--I have not found a cliff--I am still here. I have vacillated between the 5 stages of grief like a balloon caught on a spinning fan---never knowing which way I would be thrown the next round.

I have cried a river of tears----believed I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream--or that he would change his mind--ranted and raved at God---tried to pray it all back to normal--thought I would be better in Heaven---and now--today---"It is what it is"----and "I am who I am".

There are still occasional tears---sometimes a burst of anger--but after a year of "Doing the next right thing"---I am doing better. I have gained back 15 of the 20+ pounds I lost. I gained 10 and then started exercising and gained 5 more in 2 weeks. Exercise always does that to me--at this time-that's a good thing. Camille tells me I no longer look frail. I am back running my 5 miles--have to begin other work outs--but I am back on the trail.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed----camped out in Psalms----still camping there. I have purposefully done things that would keep me busy---and not in the cave I LOVE to crawl into. I went back to work--that's been a "life saver"---don't think I would have made it otherwise. God faithfully provided jobs. I have enjoyed working and the stimulation that keeps my brain going.

I changed my pattern at church--so it wouldn't be so hard to be by myself---for some reason--walking into church alone is really tough. I "Wrestle the toddlers" during the service we attended for years---and go to late worship--across town at the other campus. I have lunch with friends every Sunday---a rotating group---but always fun.

My house is slowly becoming my home. I have spent LOTs of time with the kids and grands--they have all been super---and I am blessed. The grands especially---are the sparkle in my eye.

I still have some hurdles to cross--but have more confidence that I will get over them. There are still some firsts---but the hardest are behind me. I am still hurt--alone and abandoned--betrayed---but I have decided I am just ahead of the curve. Most women end up alone at some point in time---as we still outlive the men-but the gap is closing. I am just 10 years or so ahead of my peers in crossing over to the life of a single. I am still lonely---a lot---especially on the weekends and evenings--but I now must find things to fill those hours--and I will.

My friends have been my life lines. Sweet Barbara has listened to me for hour upon hour and always given Godly advice and counsel---My Small Group has cried with me---prayed with me---supported me--helped me move-painted my house---been another family. AND then there are my "Running Buddies"---if you want to know why you should start running---it's because there is a very special bond formed when you run mile upon mile with others. I can't explain it---I just can tell you it's a fact. A HOST of other friends and my sweet family---James and Conville have been a reason to go on.

SO after a year---I'm still here---I am better--I am still in the desert---BUT God has provided oasis after oasis---answers to questions and prayers that I never expected. He has faithfully loved me---and never left me---HE loves me beyond my wildest imagination.

HOW BLESSED CAN ONE PERSON BE----He is providing ALL I need---even His sleeve to wipe my tears. I am thankful He has gotten me to this point--and look forward to the continued journey of healing--until I am totally whole and perfect--in His arms.

LORA VAN WINKLE

I am back into my LOTS of Sleeping Period. I go through periods of sleeping A LOT---I mean going to bed at 8-8:30---sleeping until the alarm goes off at 4:45. Coming home after a morning of work and sleeping 2-3 hours. There are periods that I don't sleep---what seems like ever---but for now I am snoozing my life away. This seems to sap my "Writing Juices"---in fact any creative juices--but for now---GOOD NIGHT!

OUT OF WORDS

I am currently out of words---doing a lot of thinking

In the meantime---just finished and just watched

Half Broke Horses---by Jeannette Walls

The Way---with Martin Sheen


HIGHLY recommend both. Part of what has me thinking!

Being a Mom--

God punished man for letting Eve talk him into a bad idea--by not allowing him to be a Mom. It's without a doubt the greatest blessing a compassionate-loving-forgiving God would give the one that allowed Satan to tempt her. The first evidence of His grace beyond measure.

My niece, Brooke and I talked about the first moment you feel that baby move in your womb--the first cry you hear them whimper--the first time you hold them in your arms. There is no other love so overwhelming---so born without cause---that sweeps over you like the greatest tsunami--and leaves you gasping for air the rest of your days.

We mothers---love our babies---they will always be our babies---flesh of our flesh---born in a magical cloud of love---a love that we is deeper than the deepest ocean and wider than the horizon of the sky.

Our primary function in our lives is to pray for them--nurture them--grow them---mature them--teach them---and then to release them. We expect to pass them into the arms of another --who will love them in the sacred bond of marriage. We expect to watch them continue the cycle of children and grandchildren. We expect our years following our empty nest to be filled with watching them live their lives---love their babies--and eventually taking care of us as we took care of them.

Today I watched my sweet friend have to leave behind her precious daughter--the circle was broken---here on this Earth. My prayer and my question now is how do I help---will God allow me to be His instrument---this is not natural---the circle is broken--but God is in control and He loves us Far beyond our wildest dream. I don't understand---but I have faith in a God that loves us far beyond even the love of a mother.

AN HONOR I WOULD GLADLY HAVE GIVEN UP-

I have an honor given to me that I would GLADLY give back---if it just would change things. Sweet Steph---has named our running group--all women and our "Token Man-Larry" as Honorary Pallbearers for precious Anna Claire. I would like to just scream----"NO---there's no need---this didn't really happen--it's just a bad dream." But here we are---and it is what it is---and I am honored beyond any honor I've EVER had---but I would glady give it up---if we could just go back to Sunday and live this all differently.

We have all lived life together in a very unique way---we have sweated--groaned--frozen--complained---solved ALL of life's problems--been there for each other-every step of the way over more miles than I could possibly even tell you. I once said when we were all out for a long run---one of us will get breast cancer-----it's just the statistics--they don't lie---and it happened. One of us will end up with a broken marriage---and sure enough. One of the things though that I NEVER even thought about--has now happened---should have known---but it's the unspeakable horror that you never let pass your lips.

Well--we will have to figure out how to get through this----God is the wind behind our back when we run--and He will be the One that holds us up as we walk through this desert. Heaven is looking BETTER and BETTER! God just get them through tomorrow--and show us how to pray for the next day---that's my constant prayer.

AND THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING-

We have all lost a sweet---free spirit--one just beginning---I feel like the world has stopped for a moment---but I look around and banquets are still held--babies are still fed--work is still there---dinners are still shared---the world just keeps on turning.

Perhaps that was one of the lessons of Job. Our lives are all devestation---we are reeling in the tumult of unspeakable grief---all seems to be stripped---AND the world keeps turning. Others stand by our side---just as Job 3 friends came and sat with him--but there seems to be no comfort - no solace--no answers---and yet for all around us--the world keeps turning.

My own life has been put into perspective--this week. There can be not one thing worse than losing your child. The depth of despair and desolation are beyond my mind's comprehension. I am grasping at ways to help---words to say---anything to soothe the pain--but all seems an exercise in desperation.

HOW can the world still be turning---I am sure Job must have wondered the same.

THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT!

Our long time running buddy and her sweet family lost their 21 year old daughter yesterday to a heart attack. THIS STINKS! Such a wonderful precious family----and Steph---well there's no one else in the world quite like Steph. She loves her girls---is a wonderful Mother---wrapped up in those sweet things. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

I spent the evening struggling with why God didn't take me or someone like me---lived life---done it---done LOTs. WHY would he take one that had just begun her adult journey? Why would it happen to this sweet family? They love the Lord--faithfully serve Him. It's NOT fair!--There is NO explanation.

I am adding this to my list of questions I plan to ask God--and it goes WAY up at the top. Don't tell me to read Job---done that more times than I can say. That didn't seem fair either. I KNOW He created the world---His way is the best way----Just need some clairification.

SO PLEASE pray for my sweet friend Steph and her family. At this point--I think pray for strength to get through the next few days and courage to face tomorrow. There will be no peace for a while and they will not be comforted - though we all want to try. So I am praying they can just meet the task at hand---which is HUGE. I will pray for them one step at a time---and this is the first step. Please pray with me.